The Cabinet Review, pt 1

Monday, December 18, 2006 | 1 comments »

Our last piece on Cabinet totty inspired one reader, Simon van der Cowell, to give us a run-down on each Commissioner's cabinet website, highlighting the bad, the beautiful and the downright grim.

Lest it be said that Berlaymonster never does anything for its masters, we have it on good authority that this five-day series will contribute to discussion, rivalry and jealousy in all the cabinets just in time for Christmas.

Jose Manuel Barroso

Calls them: The President's Team.
Includes: Everyone but the drivers.
Layout/Design: Clear, organised and efficient. Entirely un-Portuguese.

All the photos are of the same size and have a nice drop shadow effect. Most of them are smiling and they do look like a nice bunch. It has to be said that Barrosso isn't doing too bad on the totty front, but in his position one has to wonder why he hasn't tried harder. True he hasn't much competition on the stud-u-like front. Perhaps there is a plan after all.

Suspiciously Ana Martinho's assistant goes unnamed and without a photo. Hmmm.

Top Totty: Gabriala Vilela Tavares - hidden away at the bottom of the page
Stud-U-Like: Alex Ellis

Margot Wallström

Calls them: My Team.
Includes: Everyone including drivers and trainees.
Layout/Design: clear, organised and efficent. A few non-distracting embellishments.

What does the hottest Commissioner have to offer? Her team are often photographed in gloom and darkness, almost Rembrandt-like tones. She does seem to have a thing for the slightly geeky looking men, but what's wrong with that? Interestingly, Julie Arnaud, press assistant, has that just-been-rodgered look about her.

Top Totty: Charlotta Wennerlund - for those of you who like that Miss Whiplash thing.
Stud-U-Like: Ricardo Lamarti - he may be a driver but he has that 'NSIT' (not safe in taxis) look that could appeal to the faster type of lady.

Günter Verheugen

Calls them:
Includes: Everyone, including drivers and trainees.
Layout/Design: Sort of alright but falls apart towards the end.

Ah Günter, where do we begin. first of all the 'Naked Commissioner' remains fully clothed throughout his site and there's no holiday snaps in his photo gallery. He starts off the cabinet page with a group photo, wittily sending up a Grattons catalogue from 1972, where the women are all at the front surrounding the big man and his suspiciously crumpled suit.

Thankfully the photos are head and shoulder shots so we don't see more of this most unfashionable bunch.

Trinny and Susanna would be apoplectic if they were called into this office.

For some reason Petra Erler is photographed in soft focus... The old goat doesn't do too bad on the totty front with a ratio of two women for each man, so it's not too hard for him to make the transition between his private life and his working environment.

Top Totty: Viviane Ammann - sexy, saucy and sultry
Stud-U-Like: Eric Beelen - for the rugged look

Jacques Barrot

Calls them: Cabinet.
Includes: No drivers or trainees.
Layout/Design: Incoherent, all over the place.

Being honest, If I was on a totty hunt, this wouldn't be my first port of call. In fact I worry about the ladies here. Two of them look terrified and some others look as worried as Barrot does himself. Let's move on swiftly.

Top Totty: Armelle Lidou narrowly beats out Helena Kolaj
Stud-U-Like: Thomas Chenevier's cheeky grin beats Michele Cercone's 'just back from a long liquid lunch'.

Siim Kallas

Calls them:
Includes: No drivers.
Layout/Design: Bijou, compact, squashed.

What message is he sending out here? Under a lovely photograph of the Commissioner and his moustache gazing wistfully into the far distance, like a fighter pilot waiting for the last spitfire to return to base, there are the tiniest photos of his cabinet. Tiny as in insignificant, invisible.

It's almost impossible to see what people actually look like, but clicking on the photos brings you to a strange collage and a slightly, and I do mean slightly, larger photo. I think he's hiding something, certainly the totty count is rather good. Is he worried all the other Commissioners will envy him?

Top Totty: Carmela Rizzo by the merest moustache whisker
Stud-U-Like: Kristian Schmidt has no real competition


Do you agree with Simon? Leave your comments below. We'll have a Cabinet Top Trumps Battle of the Vixens in the New Year ...


  1. mkwm // 3:44 AM  

    Enjoyed the first trombinoscope, might feel sick when the 5x5 ride is over but all in all, it will be a very amusing sequel.

    I fully agree with your assesment on the websites but less with Simon.

    Stud-I-like: Fernando/Top Totty: Ines

    Wallstr.: Martin & Lina, la traînée

    Verheu.: Francisco & Anne

    Barrot: Miguel (without or with other goggles) & Corinne

    Kallas: Kristian & Carmela (without or with some other lipstick)

    Which of these 5 studs I find more attractive: Francisco (even more if also naked).