I've got tae do wha'?"
If Scotland leaves the UK, to get back into the EU Alex Salmond may have to jump across big red balls, unlock a crystal through a system of gears and levers, and answer "these riddles three."
Brussels officials are preparing the tests to put an end to speculation as to how an independent Scotland would secure re-entry to the EU bloc.
To submit an application to re-join the European club, the incumbent leader would have to run an obstacle course which includes "jumping across three large inflatable bouncy balls suspended over water."
A further trial would entail Salmond trying to solve a puzzle which involves fixing differently-sized cogs and levers to a wall in such a configuration so on turning a handle, the mechanism lifts a small hatch to release a crystal down a ramp, while his cabinet yell advice at him through a door.
The final task would see the first-minister - by this stage "probably knackered" according to the EU text - facing a series of questions from a mystical beast with odd syntax. It'll "probably involve choosing a door. or something," the Brussels memo says.
"Yeah, and we could make him wear something embarrassing."
Meantime, eurocrats would just recalculate Scotland's membership fee based on a fairly easy extrapolation of GDP, and get a new flagpole made for the Berlaymont forecourt.
They'll then draw straws for the right to tell him he's not getting a commissioner any time soon.