The European elections are just around the corner.

What normally happens is this: every five years, a small number of people stand for European Parliament, where they sit for five years. Rather like a dull game of musical chairs.

To make it more interesting, they get outside judges (the "electorate") to vote for them.

Unfortunately, given the decline in voter interest over the last few years, the mandarins of the Brussels courts have determined that we need "change we can believe in" and have implemented an ambitious plan to boost electoral participation by "jazzing things up" a bit.

Berlaymonster can announce that from next week, all wannabe MEPs (from now rechristened "mepstars") will have to audition in front of a live studio audience, and three celebrity judges.

The judges are still to be confirmed, but the current shortlist includes Silvio Berlusconi, Dana International, Katie Price aka "Jordan" and Neil Kinnock (who used to work in Brussels).

The mepstars in waiting will have to perform six simple tasks, including one ventriloquism act, one musical number as chosen by their political rivals, a recital of the Treaty of Rome, three- or four-ball juggling, basic accountancy and a "Crystal Maze" style puzzle based on the interinstitutional decision-making procedures.

The competition, which including heats, semi-finals and finals, is slated to last no longer than eight months, and the 785 winners, will take their seats as soon as their contracts and sponsorship deals have been signed.

It is hoped that the new format will bring new voters to play, particularly in the Brussels region, where despite their being quite a lot of expats who know quite a lot about European politics, only 4% have bothered to registered to vote in the European elections.

***

In other news, New Europe has identified the main suspects in the riddle of the Berlaymont Blazes, and Kim Bah Lee gives a geopolitical history of the EU's smallest member through the medium of the Eurovision Song Contest.

'Monster finds oneself out on the pavement yet again, this time after a flood hit the Berlaymont EUHQ.

Following the fire that prompted last week's evacuation, the European Commission is now understood to be considering ulcer and locust insurance.

News reports blame this latest incident on a 'faulty boiler'.

And there's us thinking Vivian Reding had left the commission to campaign in the European elections ...

Attempts by EU industry commissioner Gunther Verheugen to 'slash and burn' unecessary Brussels regulations came to a soggy end today, after Belgian firefighters were called in to dowse a smouldering pile of red tape at the EU executive's headquarters.

The German commissioner's campaign against bureaucracy has been frustrated at every turn by recalcitrant senior officials in his command (as BM previously reported here).

But senior eurocrats had apparently been unaware that when Verheugen promised a 'bonfire of the regulations' four years ago, he would eventually resort to actual pyromania.

Two framework directives on low frequency spectrum management and a number of Combined Nomenclature customs codes definitions are understood to have been lost to the fire.

Further legislative texts may have incurred water damage during the brief, and frankly undramatic fire fight.

The illegally-logged Indonesian timber lining the Brussels HQ's lavish corridors, however, is said to have survived in tact.

Berlaymonster, too, is alive and well, but will be filing for personal injury benefit for a bit-of-a-cough picked up during the evacuation.

However, with officials taking the rest of the day off, and Thursday and Friday being holidays for EU staff this week, expect most of us not to show our sooty faces again until next week.

Enjoy the long weekend.

Barbecue round BM's place anyone?

From time to time the 'Monster feels moved to cast off its satirical typing mittens [patent pending] and plunge its delicate talons into the fetid world of 'fact'. The ensuing will make you do one, some, or all of the following:

- Chuckle
- Tut
- Fulminate
- Seek a cushy EU job on an Italian lakeside and then fall over.

Repeatedly.

14 EU fonctionnaires investigated for suspected injury benefit fraud have been awarded an extra 3000 euros each from the taxpayer, after it transpired the EU's fraud watchdog failed to tell the accident-prone civil servants that they were to face criminal proceedings in Italy.

The ruling is the culmination of investigations dating back to 2002 into suspected widespread benefit plundering at the EU's Joint Research Centre, based out of the Italian town of Ispra on the shore of Lake Maggiore.

In an initial 2002 audit, 230 JRC eurocrats - one fifth of the total headcount there - were found to be claiming a permanent partial invalidity.

5.7 million euros were disbursed to the accident-prone staff between 1996 and 2002.
On average this worked out at around 25 000 euros each.
But many gleaned much more.

The audit discovered 46 members of staff collected 35 000 euros on average, 23 more than 50 000, eight claimed more than 80 000 and one or two cashed in almost 300 000 euros from the injury benefit system accorded to those on the European Commission's payroll.

76 of the 230 even had the misfortune to suffer a second accident, increasing their claims.
But 42 of them ...
42 ...

42 members of staff out of little over 1000 ...

declared AT LEAST NINE ACCIDENTS EACH between January 1986 and July 2003.

That, according to the EU fraud office OLAF, 'could appear, at first sight, suspect, and should be the object of an indepth review' (sharp-as-a-tack, OLAF).

But on referring the case to the Italian judiciary to conduct an investigation under local penal law, OLAF neglected to inform the mishap-ridden fonctionnaires.

That, the EU's court for civil service employment disputes ruled last week, was in breach of their rights of defence, and awarded the 14 who brought a complaint 3000 euros each in damages.

[*puts mittens back on, taking care not to snag the wool on one's claws*]