The European Commission today indicated that the deadly swine flu had spread to works of fiction, prompting panic measures to shut down bookshops and libraries.

Some authors, too, were put under isolation in order to contain a potential epidemic being passed on.

A spokeswoman for the commission said the condition should now be known as the 'novel flu virus'.

This was, she said, "to avoid misunderstandings" that led to worldwide consumer and stock market panic that 'swine flu' would blight the pork industry.

However the comments instead sent shares in major book retailers crashing, while people known to be avid readers reported being treated with even greater suspicion than usual.

Health authorities put up exclusion zones around branches of Waterstones, while certain governments issued advice to only take "essential reading" of the extended narrative form, made popular in the 19th century.

Online booksellers recorded a peak in poetry and non-fiction sales, as wary shoppers sought alternatives to the blighted genre.

The misunderstanding prompted an urgent statement from EU health commissioner Androulla Vassiliou many hours later, reassuring that novels were "perfectly safe."

A sigh of relief across Europe as the European Centre for Disease Control (ECDC), the Commission and the Member States agreed a common definition for cases of novel influenza virus A(H1N1). Action indeed.

Meanwhile, in an effort to inform the public, the Centre for Disease Control (CDC) [shouldn't that be ACDC? Ed] has begun an emergency twitter feed, offering essential information and updates such as:

"CDC reminds you that you can NOT get swine flu from eating pork"

Useful information indeed.

There's no use calling the CDC hotline, however.... you'll just get crackling.

A senior Commission official, sitting in the European Economic and Social Committee, at the launch of the European Integration Forum:

"The added value of this Forum is that we now have a Forum."

Well quite.

But if the Committee of the Regions develops an opinion and nobody listens to it, does it really develop an opinion?

Answers, please.

Commission offend sensibilities of most ordinary, thinking people.

DG Health and Consumers (DG SANCO) have caused international outcry by naming a public health initiative "RAPEX".

Dealing with potentially dangerous non-food consumer products, RAPEX, apparently, protects consumers (people who buy and/or use things) from hazards such as choking, chemical burn and electric shock through a series of alerts.

It's not clear who came up with name, and nobody would go on record, even to say that "it sounded like a good idea".

These alerts have been around for several years, it seems, although nobody noticed it until today, when the press pack were urged to "Keep Kids Safe with RAPEX":
After intensive investigation (googling "rapex"), the Berlaymonster can reveal that the name was developed almost simultaneously, in South Africa, by the manufacturer of another consumer protection product, who has since had to change the name of her product to avoid people confusing the two initiatives.

The "RapeX" anti-rape condom sports sharp plastic barbs on the inside of the sheath, to "non-fatally" and "non-lethally" cause inconvenience to perpetrators of sexual assault.

It's unlikely to be available within the EU, but we'd like to think that if it were, it's exactly the kind of thing that RAPEX would let us know can be incredibly bad for your health.

Look at this photo carefully. There are five people in white coats and three or four prone bodies, seemingly recipient of some medical intervention.


This photo was taken by one of our undercover agents in the European Parliament yesterday, and has been the source of tiresome tireless speculation at 'Monster Towers. What is going on?

Putting aside fanciful suggestions about chimeras, cloning, sleep deprivation and clinical trials, we got down to some real journalism and have a definitive answer.

It seems that the powers-in-charge are preparing for the bloodbath of the European elections by forcing all at the EP to donate a pint of the red stuff.

Some hardliners have already opted out, including one notable MEP who said "I have an assistant for that kind of thing". The assistant in question is currently in convalescence.

Parliamentary claret has special properties, it seems. Doctor Hans von Mengl, the medic in charge of the operation, said "the blood collected during these sessions may be stored longer than normal samples, given its particularly high ethanol content".

Europe is in danger of slipping into an era of unprecedented cliché, experts have warned.

Jargon levels are at an all time high, while hackneyed metaphors for the global situation have also reached record levels.

With the storm-clouds of analogy hanging ominously over the continent like a leaden simile, Europe risks falling into a period of platitude not seen since the trite expression of the 1930s.

Brussels has launched a competition for those EU commissioners who want a second term or a seat in the European Parliament, as the institutions undergo a changeover later this year.

For the half dozen or so commissioners who are vying for another five years in the first class carriage of the gravy train, they are now under starter's orders to deliver as many speeches and press releases as possible over the coming weeks and months in order to build profile.

Extra points are awarded to those who manage to elbow their way into subject areas that are not their core competence as commissioner, in order to broaden their perceived scope of expertise and ready them for a wider range of opportunities in whatever new positions come up for grabs.



On your marks ...
Set ...
SELF-PUBLICISE


OH and it's a false start from Reding...