The EU press room's leading sleaze-buster and smoothie drinker is off - EU news just got less interesting ...

The Sunday Times' Nicci Smith over the years has struck fear into the hearts of MEPs and fonctionnaires alike with her talent for exposing their naughty fiscal wheezes. An overview of her output puts to shame the 'Monster's own rather limp and cowardly excuse for critical satire, with notable exclusives on MEPs creaming off expenses and allowances and a delicious undercover sting operation on a senior EU trade official.

Investigative stories on exploitation of workers in Dubai, homeless children in Bucharest, and buying a baby in Bulgaria, meanwhile, caused trouble - of entirely the right kind - beyond the Brussels beltway. These were recognised by Amnesty International when Smith was shortlisted for a human rights award last year.

Lest the 'Monster be accused of becoming too earnest, however, here are some further highlights from her coverage in recent years, as chosen by friend and colleague David Charter (off of The Times), in kind words delivered at Smith's leaving do this week:

• "A road safety campaign that features topless Danish blondes flashing their breasts at passing motorists has been described as degrading, exploitative - and an enormous success."

• "Children who write to Father Christmas in Greenland may find that their letters go unanswered in future now that state subsidies to the elves have been withdrawn."

• "In the remote mountain villages of Albania, the women no longer want to be men."

• "German police are questioning "Fritz the Taliban"."

• "In Estonia a gay black man is bound to attract attention, much of it hostile."

And from her coverage of the 'Film Lovers Will Love This' YouTube clip put together by the commission depicting sex scenes in EU-funded films, she managed to elicit this quote from a commission spokesman:

• “We can’t really compete with Paris Hilton yet.”

Henceforth, Smith can be found in India, doubtless continuing to hound officialdom, expose social injustice, and keep us entertained with tongue-in-cheek, journalistic miscellany.

Eagle-eyed Alex Koronakis at New Europe ran a flattering piece on the 'Monster a few days ago, libellously suggesting that we are a "well-known blogger".

He asked whether the commission pulled the plug on the EU Circus Campaign after the 'Monster ran an article "critical" of an initiative that seeks to insult the intelligence of every European over the age of about seven. (Although BM suggests that we never really get to the heights of "critical", but rather "damning with little-to-no praise".)

Unfortunately, it seems, we don't yield that kind of power just yet.

In a letter republished by Mr. Koronakis from the commission's webteam, Tony Lockett says "We would like to reassure you that the withdrawal of the article about the campaign that appeared briefly on the Commission's homepage on February (sic) had nothing to do with the Berlaymonster post."

Phew! Now that we're suitably reassured, he goes on to say that there were "a few factual errors" in the original copy that needed replacing.

Sources close to Berlaymonster have indicated that these errors may have included mention of the word "circus" when "farce" was intended.

Crackpot regimes around the world have been forced into a rethink in their recruitment policies for double agents, after the European Commission publicly rumbled them for placing 'pretty trainees with long legs and blonde hair' within the EU institions.

"Bah!" said one foreign security chief with a comedy generic middle-eastern and/or Russian accent, shaking his fist.

"You may think you have weakened us, but we will return, stronger," he threatened.

"You will not be so lucky next time."

Hostile nations are now expected to turn to short, ugly, mousy candidates for their moles within the institutions.



- In separate news, following the commission's unmasking of existing double agents as attractive young women, it is understood that 70 percent of all assistants in the European Parliament have been taken in for questioning.

The staff offices of most centre-right male MEPs this afternoon were conspicuously empty.

Tis the season to be jolly... the EU silly season to be exact.

With Parliamentary elections a mere four months away, the majority of Commissioners readying to hang up their self-importance (can Reding's hair survive a third term?), and lobbyists finding increasingly eclectic justifications for their billing hours (team-building sudoku, anyone?), now is the time to release the action plan, public awareness campaign or legislative initiative that just wasn't good enough for the first, second, third or even fourth work programme.

First up, the Commission's effort to completely trivialise serious issues through gimmicky use of everyone's favourite form of exploitative entertainment: the EU Circus Campaign.

"The EU has ... launched a campaign to raise awareness of social rights. During 2009, cities across Europe will be staging circus-themed events about social rights. The campaign is inspired by “social circus”, an educational movement that uses circus arts as a teaching tool to help troubled youths. For example, the theatre company involved in the event in Lisbon works with school dropouts."

Yes, because high school drop outs never become actors...

BM isn't sure what it was about circuses which inspired this campaign. Was it the social exclusion of clowns? The extreme poverty experienced by carnies (you know, smell of cabbage, small hands)? The wage gap imposed upon bearded and tattooed ladies? We can only speculate...

Second, the Commission's Action Plan on Sharks. Now, we're not sure about you, but BM hasn't spent a huge amount of time ruminating on how the EU can take action on sharks. Belgian bankers...yes. Sharks...not so much.

However, once set on this train of thought it didn't seem like such a bad idea.... laser-headed sharks protecting our seas from Somalian pirates and the ever-present fear that Robert Maxwell will emerge from the water... a crack team of commando-sharks, capable of knawing on the most hardy of sea-bound dictator... But no.

Joe Borg unveils his evil "action" plan at a press briefing, Thursday.

Apparently: "human beings are now a far bigger threat to sharks than sharks ever were to us." Clearly Joe hasn't seen Jaws. So instead: "the European Commission has decided to help protect these vulnerable predators."

Vulnerable predators? Vulnerable predators? Ah, the EU Commission. Developing sustainable oxymorons since at least 2003.

So in the name of all that is pointless, in this year of kicking heels and waiting for the next roster of gormless self-serving fools to arrive, BM invites you, dear reader, to submit your entries for most creatively irrelevant initiative 2009. Better yet, invent one. Seems they'll fund anything....

Updates from Permanent Representations are rarely newsworthy, but BM woke on Monday morning to 'Issue No.9 of the Mission of the People's Republic of China to the European Union Newsletter'. It invited the 'Monster to read a speech. And not just any speech. A potentially explosive one.

"On January 17，Ambassador Song Zhe, Head of the Mission of the People's Republic of China to the European Communities gave a welcome speech at the Touching China Pubic Reception."

I don't want anybody else, When I think about you I touch myself, I don't want anybody else, oh no, ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah....

Sigh, some posts just write themselves.

The staging for the 2006 Touching China pubic ceremony left attendees in no doubt as to what to expect.

A new rhyming slang term is born ...

'Monster left the security of its lair within EUHQ today, only to be horrified at the new level of depravity to which the banking sector seems to have sunk.

Upon meandering innocently into the local branch of KBC bank to make a tally of the mounting untaxed income, BM was confronted with this brochure:



The 'KBC Banker' in question appears to be quite excited by the prospect of splashing out on a new home insurance...



(Click on the picture to see it in all its glory)