We got a comment!

Read it at your leisure (or don't). A young lady writing on behalf of the "European Citizens' Consultations" Snorum asks "if it is possible to put the logo AND the banner of the German and Austrian website, on Your website;"

Well, the logo was already pushing it, darling, and your grammar didn't win you any friends. However, we admire your gumption, and particularly the daring lack of quid pro quo. In return for publicising your slightly obscure waste of time, you offer us ... no ... what? Nothing at all? Aaah, OK, it's all in aid of the European panacea, so we'll be happy to indulge you.


Her next request is more straightforward. She wants to know if we'll put a link to the blah blah Consultations blah blah on the EU Observer.

We can certainly arrange that for you. We've had a chat with the folks at the EU Observer and all you need to do is send us a cheque for 15.000 EUR, made payable to the Berlaymonster. We will not issue an invoice, do not expect a receipt.

Her correspondence goes on, but it involves phrases like "ongoing consultations" and "NGO partners", and, frankly, we were bored to self-harm at the end of the first sentence. It's all we can do not to rearrange our own facial features just thinking about it.

So if you're in the mood to send us a self-serving, badly-copy-pasted and inappropriate request, we'd ask you to consider a small donation to the 'Monster's running costs.

Or a go on your mum.

European Commission embraces rude art too...

The Czech Presidency of the European Union will take some small succour from the knowledge that they are not alone in unwittingly commissioning potentially offensive works of art (see 'Monster's corruscating satire on the 'Entropa' installation scandal, and tireless round-the-clock coverage of the debacle from Bruno Waterfield off-of the Telegraph).

The European Commission, too, is courting controversy with a large 'work of art' tucked away around the back of its press room.

The questionable masterpiece was first spotted by the 'Monster three years ago (see here), but, armed now with a digital camera and with the Czech presidency faux pas fresh in mind, BM thought it fit to bring the oeuvre to your attention anew.

It fluctuates tantalisingly between sacreligious polemic and lewd school-desk graffiti, bearing, as it does, 30 wooden dolls splayed in a crucificial form, and all with what can only be described as large, erect wooden cocks.

A glorification of Europe's Christian heritage? ('our icon's got a bigger knob than yours')

A novelty coat-rack?



Pretentious critiques in an email please.


Ta

BM.

A reformed EU treaty supposedly put together by Europe's 27 heads of state has been exposed as a hoax, following high profile controversy surrounding the document that infamously put noses out of joint in certain European countries.

European commissioners, leaders, and parliamentarians alike were red-faced this morning, having been taken in by the elaborate prank, which kept them preoccupied for years, and threatened to drag on for many months to come.

The Czech Presidency of the EU is currently trying to decide how to deal with this major embarassment.

Critics from countries who feel they came out badly from the work are already calling for it to be dismantled.

The unnamed architect of the mischief told the 'Monster it was "time to draw the joke to a close."

"Pulling the wool over the eyes of the entire European political elite was a wheeze, I have to tell you, kuñardocz", he confided.

"But ordinary people were being dragged into the prank, and that wasn't the idea."

"Mobilising entire electorates to vote on whether there should be an effective dissolution of the three-pillar division in EU policy making and the mandate of an EU high representative, was kind of killing the humour."

"Then to force them to vote twice was really no longer funny, so I decided to pull the plug."



It's a wonder it wasn't spotted earlier ...

Hear that? It's the delicious 'WHUMP' of worlds colliding...

EU judges have been called upon to rule whether the seedy (ew...) cabins at the back of sex shops for masturbarians to peruse the porn industry's latest celluloid releases can be considered 'cinemas'.

A sex shop based in the Belgian city of Brugges has been caught out by the tax authorities trying to pass off their onanular grumble flick booths as justifying the same reduced VAT rates as yer local Odeon or Multiplex.

And the Belgian courts have now asked the European Court of Justice to lay down the law on the matter.


Seems to BM an ideal cover for eurocrats, court officials, judges and lawyers alike to indulge in a lot of absolutely essential 'research' for this very important case...

Always one for a little subterfuge, man-sticking-it-to and iconoclasm, as well as getting the backs up of folk who take anything too seriously, BM has been a great fan of the Atheist Bus Campaign in the UK.

The campaign raised close to £150.000 to cover the UK, and its buses, with adverts claiming that "there's probably no God, now stop worrying and enjoy your life".

We'd like to jump on the bandwagon and ask our loyal reader/s to contribute to our own campaign to cover Brussels with our own version of the poster, jazzed up to feature our favourite Maltese Fisheries commissioner Joe Borg.

Donations can be sent by PayPal, postal order or pigeon. Excess funds will be ploughed into the Captain Birdseye retirement fund and/or embezzled.

Earth-shattering event prompts world's shortest press release

The Czech government, as of 1 January now holding the EU's six-month rotating presidency, has issued a statement following a conversation between the Czech PM and Barack Obama.

Here it is in its entirety: (don't laugh - size isn't everything...)



'Prime Minister Mirek Topolánek spoke with the American President-Elect, Barack Obama

The American President-Elect Barack Obama spoke on the phone with President of the European Council Mirek Topolánek. He was thoroughly acquainted with the priorities of the Czech Presidency and expressed his support of the Presidency.'