Some buggy makers today denied being behind a study on the harmful effects of using their competitors' products.

A report drawn up by the UK's National Literacy Trust and The University of Dundee has claimed that "for many babies today, life in a buggy is emotionally impoverished and possibly stressful. Stressed babies grow into anxious adults".

The solution, according to Dr. Suzanne Zeedyk (Zeedyk, Eatdyk?) in her 35-page study, is to have your child facing backwards and not forwards in their strollers. Children who do not face their parents are deprived of the sensory benefits of interaction with their elders, leading to anxiety, weight-loss, and the possibility of suicidal thoughts in their early thirties.

The European Association of Forward-Facing Buggy Manufacturers has reacted furiously, accusing those behind the report of "pursuing an emotive and cynical agenda". Spokesman for the group, M. Guillaume Voirbite, said "those behind this report are pursuing an emotive and cynical agenda."

Spokesmother for Mothers Against Perambulatory Governance, Marlene Schauschwanz, said the side-effects of having your child face forward were "a small price to pay for the five minutes peace and quiet I get on the school run", whilst speaking off the record.

DG Competition are investigating the European Alliance for Rear-Facing Baby Mobility Devices, rumoured to be behind the report.

Progress is likely to be slow, however, as DG Competition finds its resources increasingly stretched. This month alone it finds itself simultaneously investigating Nike's "Reebok Cripples You" advertising campaign, Toyota's leaked memo: "Nissan f*cked your mum", and the Tobacco Council's "Look Over There!" report.

2 comments

  1. Anonymous // 3:33 PM  

    What about a european directive which - in the spirit of compromise - makes it compulsory to perambulate babies sideways. of course with a short phasing-in period of say 25 yrs?

  2. sidsid // 8:40 PM  

    This is not new. It was raised a few years ago. Since when I have often observed that whilsta good number of years ago infants could have derived a great deal of benefit and comfort from seeing their mothers, today many of them could quite as easily be scared to death by the sight of all that tatooed and painted blubber wobbling about.