In this third of five reviews of Commissioner's cabinet websites, reader Simon van der Cowell picks his favourites from the motley bunch of bureaucrats, with some nerdy web-design comments thrown in for free.
If you don't agree with his top-totty or man of the month judgements, leave your favourites in the comments.
Calls them: My Team.
Includes: Includes a stagiaire, but no drivers.
Layout/Design: Very clear, but spoilt by some of the photos being a different size.
Top of the page of the EU's favourite Hobbit is yet another group photo with a rather glum looking Joe in the middle. Freud would have remarked that it appears to have been cropped at the level of the Commissioner's genitalia.
The photos mainly have the person on the right and a maritime salt-and-spray style background, which could have looked really good if it had been consistent. Joe himself is beginning to resemble Inspector Morse, which is no bad thing. It's pretty good on the totty front, the men are a dreary bunch though.
Top Totty: Joanna Darmanin and Ella Strickland on equal footing.
Stud-U-Like: Luca Vella - a very lucky man.
Calls them: My cabinet.
Includes: Everyone (including drivers).
Layout/Design: Pleasant design utterly ruined by an enormous bottom frame, which, pointlessly, is taken up with a horizontal row of those silly button things.
There's an artistically faded photo of Dalia on the left with an appropriately toothless smile - and a twinkle in her eyes. The rest of the team bring to mind a road-accident. There's some good material here but it does need a bit of a makeover. Additionally many aren't photographed very well - which gives a subliminal hint towards underperformance. Some of them are not only not smiling, but positively grimacing. Joanna's disqualified for making a website that hurts my eyes, Sharon has the look of a hot minx about her, and what is frightening Valdas?
Top Totty: Maria del Carmen Balsa Garcia.
Stud-U-Like: Denis Genton who has experience in 'Inter-institutional affairs'.
Calls them: My Team.
Layout/Design: Good layout but some of the entries are repeated - see below for why this is not necessarily a bad thing.
Despite sharing a name with a Vogon Commander, Janez has come up trumps. You Da Man. This is Totty Central. Hell, even the guys look sharp, and I can see why. This office must be busting with sexual tension.
He's got it all. You want blondes? He's got the Ice Queen, the warm and the romantic. Brunettes? He's got the lot from soft and fluffy to sultry. You want redheads? Yup, Janez won't let you down.
Top Totty: They're all top totty, but Jana Kratochvilova floats my boat.
Stud-U-Like: Matjaž Malgaj, mainly because he's got the best photo I've seen so far.
Calls them: Cabinet and hides them under "Profile" - is he shy or embarrassed?
Includes: Cabinet and spokesman only. No minions.
Layout/Design: Mellow yellow, but clear and light graphic touches. I came away from this page thinking I'd caught hepatitis.
The portraits are odd. Each one has had the background erased and replaced with a nauseating yellow to pale blue gradient. Even odder, the gradient varies from photo to photo and poor Margarida looks like she's got jaundice. Frédéric is also in soft focus, something that concerns me as as the last time we saw that it was Gunter's portrait of Petra...
Top Totty: Eva Wenigova.
Stud-U-Like: Frédéric Vincent.
Calls them: Cabinet.
Includes: Everyone, even stagiaires.
Layout/Design: Clear but not transparent - no contact details whatsoever.
"Welcome to my homepage" he says like a fourteen year old building his first website. Very territorial. Markos has got himself an office stuffed with totty and he's not going to let anyone else in with a chance, so he left off the contact details. Smart move because horny Eurocrats would love the opportunity to arrange a briefing over lunch with his secretariat.
Top Totty: Mme. Katerina Malakoudi announces her availability and takes the prize over the sultry and slightly airbrushed Ms Despina Spanou.
Stud-U-Like: Mr. George Zacharakis wants to assist you. personally.