Should we start to worry when spoof articles turn out to be true?
In April last year 'Monster flippantly tossed off a little number entitled 'UK to table 'tick-box' candidate as new EU commissioner' (read it in all its mediocrity here).
In it we quoted a fictional UK official as saying that "the PC choice of a chick for commissioner has to be the way forward" and that the candidate would benefit from being "of a beige complexion or darker."
Over a year later The Times this week - Gordon Brown's tome of choice for leakage - is reporting that Baroness Vadera is now hotly tipped to be the British nomination (see here).
This has been, the paper says, in part in response to pressure from commission president Barroso, who in securing a second term is keen to surround himself with the ladies (something else BM has noted before, see here and here).
Lest we get too carried away, however, BM also predicted Downing Street would go for someone with a working class background and a knowledge of modern British street patois. Two out of four ain't bad (unless her reference to 'green shoots' in January was a drug-related slang term that somehow passed us by).
Thank you to one BM faithful who forwarded us this email from the Russian Mission to Nato's press office:
"Dear Colleagues! [N.B. the adolescent use of punctuation is all Russia's own. ed]
"Unfortunately we have to cancel the Press Conference tomorrow.
"We apologize if this influences your plans and convience you of Dr.Rogozin's friendly feelings :) [re: emoticon, c.f. note above. ed]
"Best regards,
"Russian Mission to NATO Press Office"
UPDATE BELOW - eight people hospitalised.
Workers at the Council received a concerned email yesterday afternoon. BM only got the French version, which has been roughly translated below:
Food poisoning*
Anybody who had grilled tuna or swordfish at the Blue Room restaurant of the Justus Lipsius building and who is now feeling a sick, please get to the infirmary. If symptoms become present when you are at home, please get in touch with the emergency department of your nearest hospital.
It would be wise to indicate that your health problems are probably linked to eating fish.
Symptoms may include rashes, a lowering of blood pressure, tingling and difficulty breathing.
The medical service would like to be informed as soon as possible.
Thanks for your cooperation."
More news if and when we can find any.
Thanks for your, erm, cooperation.
***UPDATE 11h30***
10 people ate the grilled tuna, and eight were hospitalised. Seven of those were released the same evening, with one person staying in for observation. The "Agence féderale de la chaine alimentaire" immediately started an investigation and results are expected in the next 48 hours. It seems that it's a "histamine poisoning" and probably linked to a "rupture de la chaîne du froid" - or a breakdown in the "cold chain".
Anybody who hasn't yet exhibited symptoms has no need to worry. It seems that effects of poisoning came on very rapidly.
*Intoxication alimentaire
Les personnes ayant consommé du poisson grillé (espadon ou thon) à la salle bleue (grill) du restaurant du Juste Lipse et qui présenteraient des symptômes de malaise voudront bien soit se rendre auprès du dispensaire soit si les troubles surgissent à leur domicile prendre contact avec le service d'urgence de l'hôpital le plus proche.
Il conviendra d'indiquer que probablement les troubles sont liés à la consommation de poisson. Les manifestations peuvent être des rougeurs, une chute de tension, des picotements, des difficultés respiratoires, etc.
Le service médical souhaite également être informé dès que possible.
Merci de votre bonne collaboration."
The European elections are just around the corner.
What normally happens is this: every five years, a small number of people stand for European Parliament, where they sit for five years. Rather like a dull game of musical chairs.
To make it more interesting, they get outside judges (the "electorate") to vote for them.
Unfortunately, given the decline in voter interest over the last few years, the mandarins of the Brussels courts have determined that we need "change we can believe in" and have implemented an ambitious plan to boost electoral participation by "jazzing things up" a bit.
Berlaymonster can announce that from next week, all wannabe MEPs (from now rechristened "mepstars") will have to audition in front of a live studio audience, and three celebrity judges.
The judges are still to be confirmed, but the current shortlist includes Silvio Berlusconi, Dana International, Katie Price aka "Jordan" and Neil Kinnock (who used to work in Brussels).
The mepstars in waiting will have to perform six simple tasks, including one ventriloquism act, one musical number as chosen by their political rivals, a recital of the Treaty of Rome, three- or four-ball juggling, basic accountancy and a "Crystal Maze" style puzzle based on the interinstitutional decision-making procedures.
The competition, which including heats, semi-finals and finals, is slated to last no longer than eight months, and the 785 winners, will take their seats as soon as their contracts and sponsorship deals have been signed.
It is hoped that the new format will bring new voters to play, particularly in the Brussels region, where despite their being quite a lot of expats who know quite a lot about European politics, only 4% have bothered to registered to vote in the European elections.
***
In other news, New Europe has identified the main suspects in the riddle of the Berlaymont Blazes, and Kim Bah Lee gives a geopolitical history of the EU's smallest member through the medium of the Eurovision Song Contest.
